A GREEN Alert indicates a Low threat of terrorism--a BLUE Alert requires that you assume a Guarded posture. Your mistaken assumption could lead to your choosing short pants instead of trousers, sandals instead of sneakers--sneakers that could have saved your life.

Indeed, even an inversion of the familiar Roy G. Biv appellation for the order of the color spectrum--the "rainbow," if you prefer--fails us, due again to the government's contention that green is less scary than blue. I don't think I have to explain the many ways such dangerous subjectivity could lead to lapses in each citizen's vigilance--and open wide the door for our enemies.

Some have suggested adopting an official analog to our friend Roy. (I suggested "G[reen]eorge B[lue]ush Y[ellow]ells O[range]ur R[ed]age," but was shouted down by the city/county council.) It's clear that this only muddies the waters further. More importantly, what good is ANY of this to our color-blind citizens? In spite of their crippling disability, we surely cannot afford to cast them to the sidelines in freedom's most desperate hour.

For this reason, I have developed the following five Animal Codes to more logically correlate to the Terror Alert Levels. They are as follows:

Level of Terrorist Alert -- Animal Code
Low -- Possum
Guarded -- Owl
Elevated -- Snake
High -- Tiger
SEVERE -- SHARK

I urge you to make automatic your reaction to each adjustment in Terror Alert Level by practicing, perhaps with family or friends, your own interpretive behavior as it corresponds to each Animal Code. (Costumes shouldn't be necessary, and would be cumbersome in the event of an attack.) Constantly monitor the Dept. of Homeland Security website or FoxNews.com. (You may also find FoxNews's buffet of celebrity reportage entertaining as you maintain constant watchfulness.)

If you find the Animal Codes to be helpful in adjusting your personal alert level, I encourage you to pass them along to others, and post them at home, at work, in your vehicle, or anyplace else where you'll find them most helpful. Remember, our way of life depends upon your vigilance.

Thank you, and God bless America.